WELCOME TO THE OREGONION
Reliable, Factual, and Fictitious News For the Campus of the University of Oregon
It's Up To You To Figure Out Which Is Which
WHAT’S NEW AROUND CAMPUS?
Find Out What Students Have to Say about Life at Oregon
"I HATE THIS PLACE AND I HATE YOU, ALEC"​
"STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND WITH A MICROPHONE YOU CREEP"
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"GET OUT OF MY ROOM"
Bobby O'Hara
"WHO LET YOU INTO MY OFFICE"​
"NO COMMENT"
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"I DON'T CARE, GET OUT"
President Michael Schill
"THROUGH MY FIRST TWO YEARS AT THE U OF O, I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME, FILLED WITH EXCITING NEW ADVENTURES AND COUNTLESS FRIENDS ALONG THE WAY WHO I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET IF NOT FOR THIS TERRIFIC SCHOOL"​
"THERE, I SAID YOUR DUMBASS LINE, NOW GIVE ME MY 20 DOLLARS"
Samantha Stewart
WHAT'S GOING?
Disclaimer: technically not right now, but at some point in the distant to near past
LOCAL AREA MAN PEERS AROUND PILLAR
In a shocking turn of events, one student (who will remain anonymous), gazes lustfully into the camera like he owns the whole goddamn school.
BREAKING: MASSIVE SINKHOLE FORMS UNDERNEATH GSH, DISPLACING HUNDREDS OF FRESHMEN
Classes will carry on as scheduled.
STUDENT BEGINS WRITING ESSAY A WEEK IN ADVANCE, WHAT A NERD
Reports indicate that Greg, a junior from the Bay Area, has decided to start writing his History essay a week before its due. After the news broke across social media, Greg lost a great amount of respect from his peers, including getting kicked out of his fraternity house.
When asked, Sigma Chi spokesperson Donald J. Duck Jr. said: "We can't be associated with dweebs like this any longer, if we allow this to happen again, where will the line end? With people actually coming to class having read the assigned readings? Not in my goddamn house, Greg."
AROUND THE GLOBE
Because There's More To Life Besides This Irrelevant School
TESLA MOTORS TO INTRODUCE NEW VEHICLE
June 12, 2018
Elon Musk has announced that Tesla will be releasing a new vehicle to its already impressive line. The new car will be a fully functional M1 Abrams tank, weighing in at around 70 tons with a dual cup-holder component. For those eager to combat the traffic, upgrades can be made to the vehicle, including a pivoting gun turret. Preorders will be available sometime at the end of the year, starting at around 20 million dollars.
GLOBAL LEADERS MEET AT G7 SUMMIT, TURNS INTO WRESTLEMANIA
June 9, 2018
Alliances have been formed at the G7 Summit, as relations soured after disagreements over the validity of climate change. Sources say that 6 of the 7 countries "were obviously aware of the negative impact of mankind on the environment," while one of the leaders profusely denied it, citing no scientific evidence but rather stating he had a "gut feeling about it."
This led to commotion, with the leaders beginning to bicker, when suddenly American President Donald Trump attempted a wrestling move on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, leading French President Emmanuel Macron to come to the Canadian's defense, merely because they both spoke that weird ass language. Because of an informal agreement behind closed doors in Moscow in 1983, German Chancellor Angela Merkel owed a favor to the American President, and attempted a rear naked chokehold on Macron.
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Surprisingly, Trump tried to phone a friend (even though that's not even remotely close to how wrestling works), but Vladimir Putin was unavailable, prompting another phone call to North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, who had "better things to do."
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The newly formed American-German alliance was defeated by the French bastards, leading to Trump getting upset and withdrawing the United States from the summit.
SPORTS
The Real Reason Why You Came To This School Because You Definitely Didn't Come For The Academics
SCHOOL AND FOOTBALL COACH AGREE TO 200 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT EXTENSION
June 10, 2018
The University of Oregon and Head Football Coach Mario Cristobal have agreed to a 200 million dollar contract extension, sources say. Cristobal had previously been refusing to work until his contract situation was resolved, after threatening to relocate team to Southern California. The contract will mostly be paid for by out-of-state students, spiking up tuition by 40%. Go Ducks!
THE DUCK: FRIENDLY MASCOT OR SYMBOL OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION?
June 11, 2018
Last week, an actual living duck came forward to accuse the Oregon mascot as being a symbol of cultural appropriation. The accusations come in the wake of several schools with Native American names coming under fire. President Schill responded, saying: "We're taking this matter with the utmost amount of sensitivity, and will proceed to run a full-fledged investigation to determine the legitimacy of the duck's claim that our mascot is an example of cultural appropriation. We never meant to offend or insult any types of mallards or marbled ducks."
EQUESTRIAN IN DANGER OF LOSING SCHOLARSHIP IF SHE DOESN'T IMPROVE GPA
June 12, 2018
Collegiate equestrian and all-around school hero Mrs. Horse is in danger of losing her scholarship if she can't meet the university's rigorous GPA requirements.
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One of our reporters attempted to reach out to the quadruped for comment, but the language barrier was too great.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
1995-Future
Alec Madrigal was conceived sometime in March of 1994 in the bathroom of an Outback Steakhouse to two loving parents. He currently resides in Eugene, Oregon where he doesn't own anything other than a pet roommate named Bob. He's best known for his discovery of Facebook and Tesla, and currently has the fastest growing YouTube channel in the world (don't look that up). As for future endeavors, Alec has no bloody clue what he wants to do, but tells all of his family members and friends that he's going to Law School so he doesn't look like a total failure.
